I was once a Soldier
~Why i Survived~

written: 11-28-05

With the days that've recently passed a phrase keeps replaying in my head " I was once a soldier, a pawn." One of the following elite to a cause I may not have fully agreed with , an assisstant of some sort. I've had this position before, playing the personal secritary, the devil's assistant, the right hand man, the bodyguard, the therapist... in all, i've always chose to take the role of someone who was second in command.

even in the workplace. i'm always there to follow through from demands and protocols. Not out of passive agression, but out of loyalty. There are moments when i will not comply due to an overall assessment of the situation...that is the gift i bring to the table. Whether this placement is for someone high or low profile, it seems that i've performed almost flawlessly, wich leads me to think about how i used to consider myself as a machine. Of course, that can also be partially due to past experiences when i was reffered to as nothing but a "tool" in some of my relationships. Not the healthiest self image, but at times i don't mind it. A tool helps provide some sort of service for the user to simplfy and aid them with a task. If that user gains knowledge and education from it, then not all is lost.

I've evolved from that mind set over the years. Taking advantage of that "fact" and using it in my own benefits. It works harmoniously because it provides me that esteem that i didn't have while growing up and a self love that alot of people thought i never had. At the same time it also provides me the drive to get things done and pushes me constantly in my day to day life. Simply speaking, i've created a sufficient way to live my life that loops in a give and take. Some people live for money, some for power, I live for myself. Taking into accounts that the strongest part of me is my mind, my drive, and my willingness to be loyal to myself.

i was once an elite soldier that did the biddings of actions and events requested. I fullfilled, i exceeded, but in my natural behavior, i also rebelled, and some may also think of it as betrayal. I'm not unfamiliar to these terms because though i understand where i stand, i also trust my own mind's assessments that the choices and decisions i make are fool proof. If they are not and should falter, i am ready to stand in silence and take in whatever punishment may come. I will punish , but if i feel the harm may be at a threatening degree, i will retaliate.

the arguement stems from loyalty to others and also law of "survival of the fittest". Which way to live? Independency? dependency? co-dependancy? or interdependency? Where do you draw the line between arrogance and being pathetically leeched on as a parasite to another person?

I was once among the best. The best of the best. Retrieve what i needed, change the entire "game", just so the user could have their gratification. I delievered, i fulfilled, i sacrificed for causes that the user needed done. Loyalty comes with a hefty price, if not for that then prooving it is a whole world harder. Can you take that price? gamble that high? I took from those who i knew had parts of the ability. I took as much as i could get and merged it with myself. I was trained this way...with that knowledge, i may use it against my mentor. It is then, that i know i've overpassed them, become stronger. They would've wanted it that way.

I was once asked "Who taught you to place the stakes that high?" my answer? "I've always played with risks that high, just that no one believed me. NO one thought i was insane enough to." You don't know me well enough then. The ability to adapt, emulate, evolve through my assessments...it's what i was left with after i "died" in 1997. Why? because i wasn't given a choice...because it's how i needed to survive...often times i bring up that question to people. "Do you think i'm fit to survive?" I don't doubt it, because thats the reason why i was once amongst the elite, thats why i was once a soldier, and thats why i gave praise to the one that rebelled. Thats why i survived.

I was once an elite soldier, the best on your team. I brought people down on their knees for you, i stole for you, i lied for you, i altered an entire reality for you, and now...i've rebelled and walked away because I need to live on...survive.