I was Only 14
~What happened~

It was Spring again. I was 14, and in eager wait for the age of 15 to come along. Something about Christine's Jacket, it had a hole in it and i went to go buy another one for her with money i had pickpocketed on my many bus routes. When you were a street rat you learn quickly all the little techniques of survival. Considering that the world had rejected me and i wasn't of age to work yet...i found other means of "money"...thieving it from others. Whichever bus looked more condensed with people, was my best target. Easy pickings for someone so young i suppose. espcially me. As scrawny, and square looking i was, who would've thought right?

I can't really recall too well all the details, but my questioning of sexuality internally was exsistent at that time. I didn't know any better, hell, i didn't know anything about "life" at that age. It was all basic instincts of survival on the streets. I didn't know things were much worse then i thought, i didn't know things could happen so fast, so forcefully, so out of the blue. I was only 14.

Walking home down Van Ness Street, knowing Cynthia and the other girls were waiting for me there.....that place, "Copy Central" in neon lights....walking by....those scenes still play in my head.....an Indian man approached me asking me if i knew what my sexuality was. I told him i was straight......of course. Said he wanted to show me something...grabbed my hand and stroked his own cock with it... men don't ever know how to take no for an answer.....espcially if they know what they're after.......inticed me with words, that bastard..."you're smart, You're beautiful, you're so handsome" I suppose you can say thats where the history came into the physical world. The power and force of a strong body towards a weak and developing one. 45 mins later....i was allowed to go home. 45 mins is nothing when you consider the years it took me to finally start talking about it as well as dealing with the adverse affects it had on me mentally. He has his part of the teenage angst and trauma i had to grow up with

For years it was all i could think of when it came to the desires of men. That my body was nothing but an object to be used and abused for any man who saw it with pride in their eyes that they will conquer that piece of meat. My mind was all over the place and nothing made real sense because it happened...again and again and again.

Mom cried 4 years later when i finally told her. she felt as if she had failed as a mother on the behalf of protecting her children. i told her it wasn't her fault. It was the guy's fault. She took guilt for my trauma, i constantly reminded her it wasn't...it was the world's fault, every sick and twisted bastard in it.

i never realized how life was like until those early years. i understood acceptance, fitting in, social statuses, minor knowledge on emotions, but the darker sides of it all.......You don't learn about those things in school, or at home. You're told, you're reminded, but when it comes down to it actually happening...it's a WHOLE other playing field. A person can pride themselves as a quick thinker...logistically, analytically, but what about the physical world? occasionally you see a sticker or ad on a bus for a hotline number for runaways, rape victims, sexual orientation crossroads, drug help, or whatever it is for minors. But theres that fear, sometimes not even knowing what it is exactly that halts them from ever seeking help. They cope with it through repression, regression. thats fuckin lovely.........it's just a basic process in which you build an internal atom bomb and you light the fuse without a clue when it'll go off. Smart? not at all.

My eyes were open, i could see the world as one "sucky" place. i grew up with that mind set. Only seeing the world for it's dark side and living only for that dark side. After so many other pains in life occuring, it wasn't until #6 came along that i was finally able to break free from those thoughts and see the "otherside". I still thank him in my heart for what he's done.

With fluxuation, as an almost undeniable occurance now, it's no surprise that after so many years of living in the dark, i still see things through those eyes. I forcefully stop it once i feel as if it's getting out of control. its that initial action and thought that keeps me on my feet. Thats where i think "they" failed...their balance was off and they gave in to that whole mind set. We were a group of close knit friends, struggling with our own problems and survivals in life. A few of us made it, a few of us didn't...my friends who were waiting at my place that afternoon...thats why we were a crew...after that day, we were all victims of the world.

I was only 14 at that time you sick bastard

Mitsuko Souma - "the trust, always with the trust...thats what they always take from you first.."