~the Sorrow behind stolen lives~

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock goes the clock.....

Time, i've always hated it, i've always looked to it for support, Ughhh.. So here it goes:
Girl walks into my life. She's a strange girl, kind of loud, strange looking, seems a little shy, the glasses give a false sense of intellect, and ....well, she's everyone's friend. This girl becomes my friend, someone i turn to for problems, someone i can trust, always by my side...thats what she said to me, always by your side, always got your back, AW till the day i die. This girl becomes my girlfriend and we're together for a month. Within that month were stolen words, and then a stolen life. Its not my fault, ,b>i'm sorry i couldn't remember you. Girl leaves me, but stays close, because she's got my back, she's there for me. Fun times and great times we both shared with one another as the years go by. We get fucked up together, laugh, smile, share secrets, everything. Times goes by......Conflicts start, sides are taken, a war breaks out. No longer as close, now it's "Who's gonna survive against the other". I can't trust anyone, it becomes every man/woman for themselves. Love, Loyalty, everything gone.....but she said she'd be there, forget you, i'm leaving. A tangent is taken and so does she, now.......now...i only hear about her, just through the social networks of other people.....

Wellz, i got my confirmation today,....she lives her nights and days underneath one of the freeway exits here in the city. Her appearance...what else do homeless people look like? gritty, dirty, shaggy, i can only imagine her current state from the other people i've seen in my life that've taken a "dive". Rachel was one of them. She was begging for change and i just so happen to walk by her and stare her in the eye. Immediately she made the connection and spurted out : "Oh my god! DEZ!!" followed by the usual jargin you strike up when you bump into someone you haven't seen in years. Rachel was a close friend of mines from Middle School and High School. We got into alot of trouble together, and hung out with one another whenever i got the chance. You know, your basic close friends you have from school. Here i was, looking at her face to face, with those strange rashes on her face and arms....her hair looking like a bird's nest, and then she broke into asking me for money so she could buy some candy and some drugs because she loved them. Thats when i saw a different person. I told her: "look, i can't supply you money for those things, and i'm not sure if you will go against my advice *hands her ten dollars* but why don't you go get a meal or something at McDonalds." she looked at me with wide eyes and said thank you......then she started getting teary eyed and asked where i was going, and if it was okie that she came along with me. She said she wanted the company. I told her i was going home, and she nodded, said thank you again, and told me that she understood.

One of my godfathers still stops by every now and then. We let him shower and feed him before he heads back out on the streets. He'd come by three or four times within a year and we try to supply him with a few "baggies" of food. This was the guy that used to take care of me when i was coming out. He taught me all these things about street life and just life in general and always guided me the direction he thought would best suit me.

I had a dream about my other godfather the other night. He looked healthy, and happy. Far from the man i know him to be now......or at least the man i know him to be the last time i saw him......drugged out on methe, crack, on my bed twitching like a dying farm animal. telling me about incoherent facts about how someone was out for him, not to be like him, something about money, "bastard", all these words that couldn't link together any sense. The one thing he said to me that pierced me was "Please don't think that i don't want to talk to you, it's just that i can't". I miss my godfather, i miss how he used to cook for me and how we'd go out late at night to San Jose to meet my potential "Mother". picking me up from school, being the father figure that i never had. I don't even know if he's on the streets now. Rehab was the last i heard....that was 3 years ago.

Jeff and I talked about tangents, and it's true how some people's tangents go way off and far from my own tangent.simple concept to grasp.....it's just that it really got me thinking this evening after getting my confirmation about my x-gf that i started thinking to myself how close i used to be with these people, we shared a connection, a bond and so much in common....and they're gone. Even Christine faced the facts on how Helena didn't "make it" either. Helena was my fuckin god-daughter, i loved her and cared for her, and now she's on the streets. Christine did too, even through all the bull she put up with Helena, she stood by her side, until she "got lost" Christine made it though, and like my past entry, i'm very happy for her and her daughter.....proud even. Thing is, these were people i grew up with, this was where i learned about reality, and life....it was from these people that i used to hold close to my heart, that i was able to survive.Thing is....they didn't......How??...Why??

it broke my heart the day i had to turn my back on someone i once considered my angel, my soul mate, my god sister. Angie.....Theres only so much i could do.....It's just really sad when i think about it. I can only wish them the best......if they were to die, no one would know.

up until this point, i thought to myself "Am i the only person that i know, that knows people that are on the streets now?"

Time changes everything, and everyone....thing is, the game is still the same. that silly little thing called survival.

actions create reactions, some actions create stronger reactions and all that other fun Newton's law stuff......i really wonder......

it's true that alot of these people made their own choices in life and that their fall was on them, but who's self-less act is that? is it the victim who is crying for help? or is it the friend who doesn't want to deal with it? everyone is responsible for their own actions, true.....then why bother having friends? why bother having loved ones? That piece of bull shit fortune cookie crap someone once fed to me : "you can't help others if you can't help yourself" only works so far. i don't care who you are in the world and how sane you want to think of yourself, but EVERYONE in this world needs help. Does that mean that no one should help anyone? What happened to loyalty? what happened to being a true friend through thick and thin?

people think to others that what has happened against someone is their own fault, but what if that same down fall occurs to that person? they of course won't take it laying down and will go about searching for help. It's hypocritical, but it's also human. It's the victims fault for not listening, it's the friend's fault for not being there for them. Where does one draw the line between being selfish and disloyal vs. a doormat of passiveness? you see, it's both person's faults. As great as it would be to lay all the blame on another person, when you're dealing with a conflict between two people....fact is TWO PEOPLE WERE INVOLVED. my advice: always find your own fault, and accept it. What you do afterwards is completely up to you, because at least...you gave a "friend" that much.