A Love Story
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We drove up to his place, and he was kind enough to at least come outside briefly to tell me that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I tried to explain to him what happened and I also told him that Trevor was also willing to talk to him himself. Allan's response was "just leave me alone." Being the stubborn one in the relationship, I didn't give up... Allan left his house and thus began a car chase down through his neighborhood and through into Stonestown. I wasn't going to lose him, not over a misunderstanding, and defenitely not over all the memories we had. During the car chase I got into contact with one of his friends as well as one of mines and both of them urged that I stop and to just leave him with Anna at the mall. There two voices of reasons combined took me away and I decided to leave.
The world suddenly seemed dead. Nothing excited me, nothing took my attention. For hours I was a cloud of disbelief...that something i had that was so great....had quickly been taken away from me. How could he do that to the Gonbe doll too? I mean yeah it was just a small plush, but it's sentimental value meant so much more to me. Everytime i thought about what he did to it, i would cry. When i eventually ended up at home i wiped off the permanent marker he used on the eyes and inked them back in. All I wanted to do was talk to Allan and straighten things out... but even that...was too hard for him to deal with at the moment. I attempted to work, but not even an hour into my shift, I'd break down and start crying. All my coworkers knew something was up... not to mention the managers as well. I was excused from work for two days, and within the days that were to come i spent most of my time in the financial district sitting down and getting recooperation advice from three of the greatest people in my life at that point: Simon, Allen, and Tonny.
Allan wouldn't talk to me, but that didn't stop me from keeping tabs on him. Weeks went by and he finally decided to meet with me once just to hear me out, but what his true intentions were to give back all the stuff I had gotten him. I explained to him everything, and kept nudging him to give me another chance, that I could build hard evidence to proove him wrong. Hell, i even brought along proof that made perfect sense, stolen off the source's laptop. He said he believed me and went over the presented evidence himself. He wouldn't budge from his choice though...what it boiled down to was that we were on a "break" which we all know means... "i'm dumping you". He handed me a box filled with items that i had gotten for him and his place and i told him that there would be no way in hell I would take it back, not to mention...returning someone's gifts is pretty much like a slap in the face, it's rude, and insulting. He kept the box and we ended our talk with him requesting that he "borrow" Gonbe for a night. I was scared to death what he would do to "our kid" but I bit the bullet and handed Gonbe to him who had a band-aid over his head. When he returned him the following day, there were clear plastic stickers over his eyes and the eyes were drawn back in. He told me that he brough Gonbe to work with him , got him contacts, gave him ice cream and said sorry.
Not too long after that talk, he flew off to LA and thats when things started between him and Steven. Naturally...this drove me up the walls. I couldn't believe how quickly I had been replaced... all that...gone in just days. With that, i began to hang out with Julie and Henry more... they were the most closes things i had to a connection with Allan, not to mention they didn't jump the gun at first glance and blame the whole mess on me...calling me out as a cheater like some of Allan's friends did. When Allan came back, he came over to my place and handed me a small figure of Venom and said "I just wanted to come by to give you this and say goodbye". That was the biggest bullet i took in and i broke down in front of him. I asked him if he could reconsider and he looked away and told me that he was sticking to his choice. With everything that I had been dealing with at that time...piled on top of one another...i had an anxiety attack...right there in his arms. My breathing began to cut short, my lungs and heart began to race, and my limbs began to tighten up painfully. If you didn't know, the feeling of an anxiety attack pretty much mimics a heart attack...they SUCK. I fell to the floor and Allan went to get my mom. He helped me back up and tried to slow my breathing while my mom began to yell all sorts of hateful things at me. (later explaining that it was out of fear because she didn't know what to do) Bonnie and Danny were called over that night to keep an eye on me and Allan left out the door. All I could remember was "I just don't love you anymore."
Allan began to screen his calls of me again, and I would section off a day in a week where i would try to contact Allan, but it wouldn't work. He'd never pick up my calls, or respond to my messages. Each attempt was like him putting another bullet through my body... I would become more and more emotionally crippled only to stagger myself back on my feet and keep walking towards him. Three long months passed and I couldn't stand it anymore. No matter how many times people told me to just let him go, forget about him, or move on... I couldn't. People took sides to the whole thing, calling him a jerk, an asshole, immature... I didn't listen to them at all. Around winter time, I recorded a video message for him, burned him some new tracks and stuff his gifts in an envelope and made my way to his work place. I wanted to just drop it off for him through his coworkers, but they insisted that he see me and called him out. I made it quick and simple and explained to him that there was a message through the video and wished him well. This event would occur several more times in 2005 before it ended... how it ended? He invited me to spend New Years Eve at Ruby Skye with him.
2006 would begin and I'm not exactly sure how, but we began to hang out with one another again. Seemingly this time... we did ALOT more together. I had ignored the words of my friends and told myself "I love him, and i will choose to follow what my heart wants even if it will hurt." That was the sacrifice i made...and i'm pretty sure he knew that too. Throughout 2006, it was almost like 2004. We were inseperable. Snowboarding trips, LA trips, the whole party scene once again, to even the down time items like spending hours at his place watching movies, TV shows, playing video games, going to Target, bringing me food at work, suit shopping, Great America, I stood by him at every turn and whatever he needed I fulfilled to it's fullest. If he wanted to go to LA, he'd arrange transportation, while i arranged living space. It was like we never broke up. birthdays, holidays, Xmas, random walks. As happy as I was to be able to spend time with him, i kept it deep within myself that things would end abruptly again because we weren't together anymore.... or were we? When he felt unsure of meeting someone, or unsafe...i was always there to make him feel secure or help him escape. This was no different then being in a relationship and going to social events...big or small... the couple has to be strategic. Like if we went out to dinner with other folks and there was something on my plate i didn't like, he'd eat it for me. This confused the public eye, because of our actions with one another and the consistency of us showing up at places together, people thought we were still dating. A whole year would go by, and I would spend another New Years with him... right into 2007
After a trip or two down to LA again and another trip to Tahoe, around Valentines...he drove me home from his place and seemed to be holding back something as he didn't speed off after i got out of the car. I knew something was on his mind that he wanted to express and i told him to do so...otherwise, i'd never know what's going on. We sat outside my place and he told me that he was looking into the option of dating people again. That he didn't want to do it before because he was afraid it'll hurt me, and that he'd lose me again. He wanted me in his life, and he knew that I was still madly in love with him, not to mention, he actually said that he loved me too. I sighed, looked at him and said, it's ok. I love him, and part of that is to understand what his needs and wants were no matter if they hurt me, i explained to him what choice i had made after we broke up in 2005... that I would stay in his life as long as i could...but if someone else were to come in and replace me... i couldn't stay. I had already beat myself up when he was dating Steven, but this time... i could't guarantee him that I would be holding on much longer. I told him to go ahead and make the choice that he wanted to, and that whatever will happen... will happen on it's own. Sure enough...he had a date with Carlo on Valentine's day and i could already feel myself drawing further away from him. This would ultimately lead to the events that happened when we went out to Las Vegas together.
March...maybe April, we flew out to Las Vegas with a bunch of his friends. People that i've hung out with before, but never felt too connected to them because they were Allan's childhood friends. To cut the trip short... i felt alone most of the time i was there. Sure i walked around with Mai and co while Allan laid away at the hotel on the phone with Carlo, but... i felt so alienated while there. I didn't have any immediate personal contact and the whole purpose of me being there was because i wanted to keep my word that i would at least go to Vegas with Allan ONCE. I just didn't know that i would be spending alot of the times by myself disconnected from him. When I returned to SF, I immediately went to see Simon and went to help him with his move... three days later, I decided to troddle over to Allan's work place to show him my new shoes and drop off his comic books for him. Then I got a call from a friends of ours that completely derailed me off on a detour.
"Do you realize that the two of you never broke up? You two have practically been in a relationship for the past 3 years... The things you guys have been doing for those extra two years those are the things boyfriends do... I asked him if he realized that he's killing you... he knew he was but he doesn't want to lose you....he's scared to be alone...he can't do this by himself... both of you are torturing one another.." with those sentences in my mind, I was instructed to just leave him alone, cut off all connections, and just stop everything. Considering the authoritive level this person had over me, I complied. I knew that it would hurt, but they were instructions... and with my agreement, I had no choice but to not fail it. Thus 2007, became empty of Allan after my trip. He attempted to contact me about the weather... which he knows that i love talking about... but i put up my diamond form, held my tears back...and placed an empty void where that memory took place. Simon... oh Simon, how thankful I am that he was there again to make this process so much easier for me to bare...but that was the end... a story of happiness, love, sorrow, tragedy, struggle and greatness...i left him a note...
I love you, thats just how the story ends.